I feel weak today

Today is one of those days that I ask myself if I've done the correct thing. Ever. It is one of those days where I question all the decisions I've ever made. I will not accept the place I find myself and I will try to tare myself apart to generate change of some kind. I think the country finds itself in this position on mass.

I hit this level of self doubt now and again. I'm not sure what triggers it. I used to hit it more than I do now. Maybe getting older simply slows the frequency of self doubt. Maybe it is the other way round for some folks.

I know people who do not hit this self questioning stage. Nat as far as I can tell anyway. They are folks I respect. They are folks who I might say are happy. I envy them a bit. Hitting these walls of self doubt are scary and a bit painful. They dampen the accomplishments and amplify failure.

There is no episode of crying or deep depression. At least, not any more. Those seem to have run their course log ago. Now, when I experience one of these torments, I simply feel down and want nothing to do with the world. I don't care if it is a sunny day or if Nat wants to do something. I just can't get myself out of the house. I find that blogging helps satisfy a need to feel like I have accomplished something. That taste is a godsend on these days.

If only I could take hold of these days and strangle them out of my life for ever. Surely they hold no real value except to prevent me from taking over the world. God's safety valve for the superior ... oh, I can't even complete that joke. I'm just trying to make myself laugh.

This is one of those days where I fear that every mistake I've ever made will come back and bit me in the ass double. They will, but I shouldn't let the fear of it keep me from moving forward and making new mistakes to fear in the future.