Writer's Block
This morning was strange. I wanted to jot some notes down for the blog, but I just couldn't put my finger on what I wanted to say. It was like something needed to come to the surface, but wouldn't. Normally, I don't get the urge to write unless the words are there as well.

Joke
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask where they are going and hook up with them later.
I read recipe the way I read science fiction - I get to the end and think "Well, that's not going to happen."--unknown.
I got into an argument with my rice crispies this morning. I distinctly heard "snap - crackle - fuck him!" So, I dropped a peach on them. I don't stand for that kind of attitude from my breakfast.
My fake plants died because I didn't pretend to water them.
What is the difference between a musician and a large pizza? A large pizza can fee a family of four.
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

Blah
I found out recently that I have been misspelling the term "blah" as "blaw" for a long time. I apologize for this indiscretion, but I believe the term "blah" should be categorized as an anomonopeia. I will spell my anomonopeias as I darn well please.

More On Poker
It was a learning experience to play poker. I have  not seriously played poker for money since high school. I had a little poker get together for my bachelor party, but that was not for real. my best man spotted me the doe.
Something I learned, or relearned, about myself is I don't have very good control over my poker face. Now, the first tell is not really my fault. They teach you to watch people's eyes in poker. Watch what they watch. That is pretty darn easy with me because I have to use a small pare of binoculars to read the cards in the middle of the table. I haven't come u with a way to counteract that one yet.
Some one did let me know that the instant a king turned over, I grabbed a chip. That is also a tell. One that I should have control over in the future.

Suicidal Thoughts
When I was fifteen. I thought about killing myself. At that point in my life I didn't take it all that seriously. I've thought more about it as I got older and life got harder. The thing is, I didn't know at fifteen that I would not go through with it. That is something that I've learned as I've gotten older.
There is a feeling of fear that prevents me from doing it. It is the same fear that prevents me from doing allot of things. It is the same feeling that stops me from talking to women. It is the same fear that keeps me from achieving my goals. I wonder if those who try to help me achieve some of these wonderful things are actually helping me find the strength to kill myself. I hope not. I don't feel depressed today. I fear getting stronger. That is a hell of a thing.
It's funny. I'm watching a Star Trek Voyager. Belana (a half-breed human and klingon) has been genetically separated into two separate people one full klingon and one full human. The klingon side fights. The human side figures out how to escape the alien fortress.  That is how I feel most of the time. Like there are several competing goals and directions all swirling and getting nothing done.

Vacation
Not only do I need a vacation, I have 150 hours to blow. That is 3.75 weeks. I need to start taking days off. I'm seriously considering taking all the Fridays off for the rest of the year. I would get way to used to that. Do you know how hard it would be to work that first Friday next year? That thought is almost too much to bare.
I have some friends suggesting a cruse. I've never been out of the country. A cruse might be a good introduction to just leaving for a little while.

Paint Ball (from email)
Me - How did the rest of the weekend go?
Adam - Paint ball Sunday was too much fun. Laurie and I have big bruises all over our bodies. I, so far, have won the biggest bruise competition. I have one the size of a silver dollar and raised about 1/4 inch. It looks like the crab nebula.
The fun part was when you were implementing a strategy and it worked. There was this course with a gully to the side of a bunch of beat up cars. If the other team wasn't looking you could run down the gully and flank the other team. Eventually everyone knew about the gully trick and it became a big shoot out. One side had a distinct advantage if they claimed the half-way point (if the other side claimed the half-way point, they couldn't press as well.) I was involved in an attack with Michael and Brian where we took the gully and wiped out Laurie and Jamon guarding the gully. I was the only one left after the assault and ran into their base and got everyone in there to surrender.
Very fun.