What Do You Think ...
Someone walks into my office while I'm typing away trying to do something that I don't even remember when I turn around to talk to them for a moment. They asked me a question that I can actually answer. I don't know what it was as I turn to go back to the thing I was doing. They ask me why my eyes are watering and I tell them that my allergies are killing me and complain that there are no medicines that seem to do any good. They agree and we speak about breathing trouble in Houston and how horrible the air is. Then, we go back to our day.
What do you think? Do you suppose I'm listening to the same song over and over because it hits a nerve. Do you suppose I've been listening to it for three days. Do you suppose I need some emotional help bringing things besides rage to the surface. Is it because I have been told all my life to hold myself tall and be strong. Am I aloud to have a feeling besides those that keep other people in line. What do you think? Am I having another day of the emotional breakdown that I call a life? Am I finally going to snap? Am I just letting myself feel? I wish I could write the feelings down. I wish I could be a better, stronger person. I want to be. I want to feel. I want to tell the person in my office that it is all OK. The gut feelings keep telling me I'm going to be fine and to help old ladies on the bus.
When I was a kid I thought I would be dead by thirty. I hated it because I was going to mis the year 2000. Well, now I feel that I'm going to be here for a long time. A dreadfully long time. That can mean many things. I've had dreams of ending up in prison when someone on the street finally pisses me off to the point I jump through their window and break their neck. I've had dreams of being stuck as the leader of a small group of people who are fighting something. I don't even know who or what. Lately, I've dreampt of having to live past the time where every one I ever knew had died. This is what they call a mid life crisis. I thought guys hit this at fifty. I'm always the go to guy in my dreams. I'm the guy people need to survive. I'm the guy who makes it work. I'm the man. I'm the leader. I like it. I have drive. I have will. I lead. I fight. I kill, but it is kill or be killed. I like it. I have focus. Things go wrong. Things go right. I decide. It is like I'm being prepared for something.
Then I wake. I'm back to my desk job. I'm back to living in this world. I'm here. I love Natalie. I love Elle. I love my friends. I miss the world where I rule. It isn't real. I'm not that person. It feels good thought.
I was supposed to die a solider somewhere around the age of thirty. Something happened. God doesn't make mistakes. I'm here in stead.