Evening
I'm watching a movie that is all about Christmas and relationships and family. It is making me sick. I don't think i can handle another Christmas hanging out with my parents. I really get depressed around the holidays. I'm getting a bit of an early start this year it seems. I'm getting nowhere fast on the relationship front. I have no prospects. I have no potential. I still say I should just give up and run out the clock. Maybe I'll take up drinking. That should kill some time. Maybe I'll have my phone turned off and stop answering email. I might be able to stop communicating at work without getting fired. I won't survive being broke. I refuse to be broke again if I can help it. Actually, I'm terrified of being broke. I hate the idea of depending on others. I've backed myself into a corner on the independence front as well. I've tried to get out and enjoy things. I've tried to get out and talk to real people. I've tried to be happy. I know how to be happy. I know how to make myself happy. I just won't.
The highlight of my evening has been a cup of coffee with that really good cream you get in the milk section pored in it. Strawberry Vanilla. That was worth staying awake. Not everything is worth remaining conscious these days. I like dreaming. Even bad dreams are worth having most of the time. I haven't had really bad dreams in a while. I hope I don't. It is my only real enjoyment.
So, are there solutions to my plight? Sure, tons of them. Every one has an asshole and a solution to every one else's problems. I'm sick of trying. I'm sick of failing. I'm sick of my neighbors. I'm sick of work. I'm sick of being legally blind. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of computers. I'm sick of Houston. I'm sick of all four seasons. I'm sick of my apartment. I'm sick of the sky being blue. Oh, I'm tired too.