Health

Nothing hurts. I noticed this morning on my walk in that nothing hurts. Sometimes at night I will wake up with my side hurting because I've been lying on it too long. I have to lye on my side to breath. If I roll over on my back, I not only snore like a chainsaw, but I get sleep Ania and wake up unable to breath. This is a problem that will probably get worse as I get older.

My father is now on kidney dialyses. My grandfathers on both sides had heart problems. I have had no symptoms of either that I can think of. I get some exorcise. I don't eat nearly healthy enough. I consumed too many sodas (one a day is too many). Is this a health life style?

A friend of mine has diabetes. He lost a portion of his left leg below the knee. He now says his left arm is not responding properly and the doctors will not talk to him about it. He has been in and out of the hospital for complications for years.

"Something is going to kill you."

"You have to die of something."

These are true, but depressing. Wouldn't it be nice to let the go when the time comes? Wouldn't it be nice to be that guy who says "... fighting evil in another dimension." or something like that. I'm not afraid of death so much as dying. It is the pain, sickness and fear I fear.

"Ain't going out like that!"

Death is difficult to talk about. It is far more difficult to do. It is difficult to even conceive. It hurts to think of loved ones we have lost. It is difficult to live. The word I want to use here is dignity. I want some dignity on the way out. I want people to remember the boring guy who took pictures and put some videos up online.

I have had a deep seeded fear of death and dying all my life. I wonder if this has been the source of my being a jerk most of the time. Perhaps I've let my fear of death lead me down a road where I let my life be depressing and full of bad things to convince myself that death is not so bad.

Fuck that.