Very Local Fiction

I Existed Once

In one moment all the things that brought me to this came to me clearly. Childhood, family, education, training, all changes in one moment. The moment my boots touched the ground everything changed. My whole life has been a game, child's play, roll playing until this.

No amount of training prepares you for combat. Someone famous must have said that. Maybe every soldier says it. Maybe some get the opportunity to slip in to a combat situation their fist time. For the rest of us, we simply realize when we are in the middle of a fight that we are on the edge. It all comes slamming down with a silent world changing crash all around the moment one realizes there are people over there trying to kill you, and your buddies with you.

Napoleon said something about the most important virtue of a soldier is physical endurance against fatigue. Bravery comes second. The man knew war.

This moment that happens comes to some only when they are about to die. Some only feel alive with bullets whistling past their heads, bombs bursting in air. For me, it came the first time I stepped out of the Humvee and a kid threw a rock at us. He was pissed and screaming. The rock bounced off armor and skittered across the ground. No one reacted except me. I knew it was a rock and not a grenade. It was the first time I realized someone wanted me dead. He just didn't have a gun or grenade to do it. Not yet anyway.

In the months to come, I was in a dozen fights for my life. I carried a bleeding man through a hail of bullets to save his life. I've defused traps, been hit by a roadside bomb. I took a slab of iron in the leg for my trouble. Tons of stories. That kid who threw the rock is the one I find in my thoughts. Sometimes I want to hate that kid for haunting me. The rest of time I just get on with my life. I try to remember it was an army he hated.

Maybe that kid made me a better man. When things get bad and I want to explode, I remember that kid and my whole life is spread out before me. It is like I can see it all from start to finish.

How do people who have never been in a life or death situation deal with day to day living? How do they get past all the bullshit to know what is real and what you should just step over and move past?