deja vu

I had deja vu today. It was long. it was just me walking through the house in the clutter. It was from when Nat and I got together. I remember feeling the before effect long ago. Not so much li8ke I had been in this place or situation, but like I saw it coming from years ago. Is that deja vu? Is it a premonition? Is it my memory playing tricks on me?

I've noticed something about my episodes of deja vu. They accrue around times I feel good. This morning I felt good about life and the world in general. I'm over the kidney stone thing. I was able to weed-whack the yard yesterday. I'm not mowing today, but I will mow eventually. I've missed way too much work over sickness this month, but I'll get over that. Even the drug dealwers behind use have quieted down. I didn't even feel like calling the cops on filming the ass hole racers. I suppose I'm giving in. I just don't care. 

I can't let myself feel good. I get paranoid when I feel good or complacent. That is when bad things happen. That is when things blow up in your face. Feeling good worries me. I can never let myself feel happy. I can never find satisfaction with the way things are right now because they could always get worse and I feel I must be prepared for such things.