Witch! Witch!

MONKS: Pies lesu domine, donna eis requiem.  [whack] Pies lesu domine, [whack] donna eis requiem.  [whack] Pies lesu domine, [whack] donna eis requiem.  [whack] Pies lesu domine... CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her? CROWD: Burn her! Burn! BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch? VILLAGER #2: She looks like one. BEDEVERE: Bring her forward. WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch. BEDEVERE: But you are dressed as one. WITCH: They dressed me up like this. CROWD: We didn't, we didn't. WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one. BEDEVERE: Well? VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose. BEDEVERE: The nose? VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch! CROWD: Burn her! A witch! A witch! Burn her! BEDEVERE: Did you dress her up like this? CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, a bit, a bit. VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart. BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch? VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt. BEDEVERE: A newt? VILLAGER #3: I got better. VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway! CROWD: Burn! Burn her! BEDEVERE: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. CROWD: Are there? What are they? Tell us, tell us.  Do they hurt? BEDEVERE: Tell me, what do you do with witches? VILLAGER #2: Burn! CROWD: Burn, burn them up! BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches? VILLAGER #1: More witches! VILLAGER #2: Wood! BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn? [pause] VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...? BEDEVERE: Good! CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah... BEDEVERE: So, how do we tell whether she, is made, of wood? VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her. BEDEVERE: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone? VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah. BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water? VILLAGER #1: No, no. VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats! VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond! CROWD: The pond! BEDEVERE: What also floats in water? VILLAGER #1: Bread! VILLAGER #2: Apples! VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks! VILLAGER #1: Cider! VILLAGER #2: Great gravy! VILLAGER #1: Cherries! VILLAGER #2: Mud! VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches! VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead! ARTHUR: A duck. CROWD: Oooh. BEDEVERE: Exactly! So, logically..., VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood. BEDEVERE: And therefore--? VILLAGER #1: A witch! CROWD: A witch! A duck! A duck! BEDEVERE: We shall use my largest scales! [yelling] BEDEVERE: Right, remove the supports! [whop] [creak] CROWD: A witch! A witch! WITCH: It's a fair cop. CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling] BEDEVERE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science? ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons. BEDEVERE: My liege! ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table? BEDEVERE: My liege! I would be honored. ARTHUR: What is your name? BEDEVERE: Bedevere, my leige. ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table. [Narrative Interlude] NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries, the Knights of the Round Table. Here

This is of course from the geniuses of Monty Python. I will not top this dialog in my lifetime. How messed up is that? I'll never top this single funny scene. If I were to find myself lost in an enchanted forest and brought before the greater deity of wit and retort who smiled upon my forsaken, humorless mass, I would not be able to top this five minute collection of one liners.
By the way, you should hear it when the computer reads it. It is still kind of funny.