Sorry it has been so long since my last entry. I have been very angry lately. It is all due to stress. I am at a place I've been looking at for a long time. I'm working on a real future and it scares me to death. I have a task from Tpro. The task is to write a script to schedule and run a backup on an NT server. It isn't all that complicated. I find myself trying to make it complicated. I have to keep backing up and looking at the simple flowchart that Tom gave me. I'm ashamed at how slow I'm going. It is the same thing that made school hard for me. It is the same thing that makes DND hard for me. I'm so afraid of failure that I trip myself on the way to success. If you succeed you are expected to succeed again. That is hard to keep up. I want to succeed I want to fail. I want to be free to give it my best and find out what happens.
My Grandfather was an avid carpenter. He build rooms on houses, basement and all. He took out walls in the house. He always left one thing undone. I said it was to feel needed. I think maybe it was because if you are not finished, you have not failed. I never asked my grandfather.
My Father was looking for a purpose. He volunteered for the draft int the sixties during Vietnam. You can ask the to call your name in the draft apparently. It is different than joining. He went to Korea and was a supply guy like Clingier in MASH. He was in charge of four million dollars worth of dump-trucks for a day. He said he felt funny signing for them. Anyway. I wander myself it having a legally blind son made him find his way. He seems to have his eye on the ball more than his father.
My Uncle on my Father's side (my father's only brother) was an Air Force man. He was in procurement as far as I can tell. He has driven a limousine and worked for some other companies since the Air Force. I only know now that he wants to sail.
I lack drive. Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked what the one most important thing that contributed to his success was and he answered “drive”. I believe it. Id-Kelly is a lousy programmer.