It wasn't me. You can't prove anything.


I've been thinking a bit about dominance lately. People seem to confuse sex and dominance. Football, baseball, other competitive sports are really not about sex. They are about dominance.
I watched a show on the news about bullying in schools. I was both a bully and the victim of bullying when I was a kid. It is all about who is alpha-kid. Dogs bully. Monkeys bully. It is part of our mammalian brain. We tell people to be winners and then tell them not to be bullies. We tell people they are empowered and then set the rules. We tell people to get an education and then send their job to another country. We tell people to eat healthy and then inundate them with ads for fattening food. We tell people not to smoke and subsidize tobacco farmers.
The U.S.A. is doomed to very nasty implosion. I worry I will live to experience it. This country was formed because people were trying to escape dominance by a few over the many. They used dominance to take the country. Now, those who are dominant are trying to make a nation of passive addicts.

OK, sorry. I'll step off the soap box. I'm ordering a very fattening pizza and some caffeinated Dr. Pepper. mm mm mmm. No one is dominating me.


Bubba Hotep
This movie is great. Watch the trailer and go see the movie.


The truth about game points
I've explained what game points are. Lets review. Game Points are a reward for helping the DM (Dungeon Master) make the game better. They can be used to improve a dice role, and even modify a minor plot point. Our DM gives quizzes based on reading or if he is to lazy to assign reading he just tells us to make up our own questions. Game Points are also allotted for those who perform tasks like order food or other annoying tasks that would other wise eat up the DM's time.
I have had trouble accepting Game Points because they are outside the game. To me the idea of game points is no better than someone saying “give me money or I'll kill your character.” It is just bad.
I used Game Points for a long time right up until Adam (our DM) bitched at me once for not using a game point to save a character that sucked. They are my game points. Get off my back. I figured I had two choices. I could just dump Game Points outright, or just waist them on frivolous stuff and make sure I didn't have any when push came to shove. Adam dangles this carrot in front of people to control them. If I take the value away from the commodity and blow it off, it blows the control. It has become a competition. Sarah (one of the players) is the most obvious one who made it into a competition.
I'm not playing DND any more. It isn't the game. It is the people. I like them as friends. I just can't play DND with them any more. (it is really me. I'm just no good at competition. I don't like beating people and I can't stand loosing.)

Today is Thanksgiving. I went over to the parents house and ate great food until I was about to bust. It was just me and my parents. I think the abandon a trip to some relatives in Oklahoma to have dinner with me. I feel greatly out of place going to my parent's house for holidays. I'm thirty four years old. I have no girlfriend. I have no wife or family to take. I don't have any other family (the in-laws) to share holidays with. There is just nothing there. There isn't even a prospective lady to fill the gap. I wish I could run though names and say “she is not a prospect because of this reason.” and so forth. That just isn't possible. I'm an old maid.
Today was hot and humid. For some reason, it felt like Christmas.

I bought a new mouse. It is a tinny thing meant for notebook computing. It is optical, wireless and uses one of those little USB plugs to connect. The LED light on the USB “dongle” is about as bright as any xenon headlight I've ever seen. It blinks obnoxiously whenever you move the mouse or click a button. It is just plane annoying. The mouse is great. I've played games with it and used it for several days. One of the guys at the office got one a couple of weeks ago. I got the non-rechargeable version. It was $20 cheaper.

Failed Marriage
Jenna, my ex-wife, told me she was pregnant. I wanted so much to be married. It was days like today that drove me to it. I think she really was at some point. She went to the doctor. and the whole bit. It turned out that we did not have a child. Jenna did lie to me about being on the pill. I knew what was going on and prevented pregnancy manually. We were married for about eighteen months. I was a right bastard to her. I didn't have the guts to call her on the situation. When she would not pay her taxes, I snapped. That was worse than lying about pregnancy or birth control. A child only takes eighteen years to mature and some of the stuff that happens along the way is cool. The IRS is just plane evil and once they know your name, you are in their sights. We have not spoken in something like six years. Jenna married my mechanic. I sure miss him.

<This point on is from a couple of days ago>

My Mozilla browser lost its mind last night. I rebooted the machine and poof. There is only one profile. I can't imagine November 25 is any kind of magic virus date. All settings reverted to day one install. I lost all my bookmarks (favorites/shortcuts). The history was there.
really should do a backup of my important information. You know the culda-woulda-shoulda syndrome.

This morning it was chilly. I walked in just before dawn. I could see my breath. It felt brilliant. This noon we ate outside without jackets. The sun is shining. The ground is dry. It feels like mountain air. What a marvelous day to be in Houston.

Little things
I forget often that the little things will ware on you. At work, I use a table with a mettle back on a daily basis. I type like a jackhammer and the mettle back wiggled on the enter key and others. wa-wa-wa-g-g-g. Every other key it would make a sheet mettle clanging sound. I didn't realize how much this wore on my nerves. I didn't realize, until I just now tightened the screws and it fell silent (until you kick it outright). It is like that sheet mettle back was banging right on the back of my head. I didn't even realize it.


We are playing today.
Sarah wants a Pegasus as her steed. Brian asked if he could have a Pegasus-Bane sword.
We have a new guy (old player new character). Bryan (different Br?an) was eaten by the avatar of some evil god. He came back with a new character that is some kind of monk slash rogue type.
We are helping a king build a Zeppelin so he can fulfill his dream of bombing his next door neighbor from above. We are trying to design a massive bomb dangling from the bottom wrapped in other bombs that will level this guys castle the King doesn't like. There is something about the Kings men that makes us suspicious.
One of our guys has the pants of Slad summoning. He called up a huge Blue Slad to go down into the dungeon with us. Oh, some one just rolled a 100 on a random monster check. That could be bad.
We are fighting some kind of thing that turns you to stone. They are the monster that the 100 role brought on. So far, we only have one party member turned to stone. There hit points aren't that great, but they hit every time. You have to make six fortitude saves or turn to stone, or loose a point of strength. I miss fighting just normal hordes of kabolds and ogres.
I passed my six fort saves. Geeze. I killed one. Not even one that I was fighting. It just got to close to my fury. I missed another one, crap.
I've noticed I take for ever to do simple math. My brain just doesn't switch to math mode quickly.
Now we are fighting some Drow-Spider guy. Humm-Drumm
I want to go home. I hate this. I should stop playing. Adam insists on making stupid potty humor during the game. It is a trait of his that I have never been able to stand. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here.
I can't read the screen on the notebook worth a crap. I can't find some one to love me. Why am I wasting air? Every one else pares off. I feel like I'm the only one who can't find anyone. Goddamnit. I'm surrounded by friends and I feel alone.
It was my turn, I got to stand up and draw a weapon. Woopee. I want to go home.
I'm wasting my time. I'm wasting the time God gave me. I need to find some other thing to do. I'm falling.
Blue, our Slad, is running up to the front to attack the army of Drow coming up the hall to slaughter us. I hope I die quick so I can just go home. I'm heading in to commit suicide. I might as well call the cab now. What kind of character should I role up next? This front line crap is getting old. I might have to go back to a cleric. Just to stay out of the front line.
Can we just die for God's sake? I want to go home. I should just go. I'm dying. I'm tired. Food is soon. God loves me, but some time it is tough love. I will be gone in a minute. I can eat and go home.
It is a quarter after eight and I'm ready to bail. Damn it I survived. I can't keep doing this to myself.
I wanted to go home. This is unfair to the others. I'm worried that I won't be able to keep my mouth shut and I'll snap at some one.
I can't win. We came up against a bunch of Mind flayers. and I'm in the back. BAH. I have to run from the rear all the way to the front. I'm getting nowhere. Grapple rules take too long. FUUUUUCK!!! I got stunned. That means I cant run into battle and go out a hero.
We have dynamite. That is just wrong. There is a section in the Dungeon Master's guide covering dynamite.
For God's sake! One of our guys (the one that just died played by Brian (the guy who always turns against the party)) just showed up after we left him for dead. He is attacking the party. Go figure. I didn't take any damage that time either.
I healed myself. Damn it. I am definitely going out this battle. There is no way we can go out.
We are having a battle on the on the Zeppelin. The giant spider guys are sawing through the ropes holding the cabin on the balloon part. I've tried to use my rod of lordly might to push a couple of the spiders off the balloon. It isn't successful as I had hoped.
It is 4:30 in the morning. I'm sitting at home. When I run back through the days events, I realize I just don't enjoy DND like I used too. The trouble is, I try to think of one thing that I say “I need to do this to relax soon.” and absolutely nothing comes to mind. I have no release. I can't keep acting like a jerk at DND. It isn't fair to the others. I need to stop going. Nothing is going to change before our next session in January.
Well, I do look forward to writing my blog.

Radar Glasses
I was reading about some radar imaging that worked in a jet. It made real time three dimensional pictures to the pilot. They suggested it would work on vehicles. I think they might work on a smaller scale. It would be nice to have glasses that would use radar in total darkness.


It's Floodin' down in Texas”
Houston was built on a swamp. Many moons ago, a good chunk of Ft. Bend county was rice fields. Now we pay the price for cheap land. I'm told the flood problem is what keeps property values low in Houston. If it didn't flood so much here, we would have California prices.

That lazy asshole Sam Houston said “Hey, there is a big ditch surrounded by miles of swamp and grass lands with ten tons of mosquitoes to the acre. Perfect.”
BTW, I was trying to look up the spelling of “acre” and stumbled across this site. Nice find.

Outsourcing everything
I just read a little bit in Information Week that a major bank is outsourcing a bunch of it's technology stuff offshore. It isn't just manufacturing any more. IT is leaving. The reason IT is so easy to push over the pond is because no one understands it anyway. IT salaries are dropping next year. The US will soon be a nation of middle-managers and Mexican fast food cashiers.
Americans pay the highest price for prescription drugs and yet the research that the drug companies tout for the high prices is headed offshore. China is known for manufacturing just about everything. Now, China is a-wash with PHDs who will work for a tenth of the American equivalent. Same with India.

Too Mobile
At work I've noticed a couple of times people making mobile phone calls from the toilet. If any of you ever call me from the can, you better need some kind of rescuing.


From hence the pixies tell tails of that which they dream upon. The hold on the tattered thread fades with time, but the butterflies know still the path to scry. Fey lie yet among the quiet meadow. Were we rude to the mighty soles bound by such faint mortal coils? Alas, we are left, alone, in a world no longer known to dragons.

Five year plan (me being paranoid again)
I was asked recently where I want to be in five years. The last time I answered that question I was in collage. I didn't answer it right then either. I don't know where I want to be in five minutes. People who seem to know what is going on want me to constantly make plans five years in the future. It just doesn't make any sense to me. If I make plans, fate will make sure to fuck them up. Planning doesn't work for me. I need to make plans, I know. Making plans pleases others. I take no satisfaction in the plans. I know they mean little. Other's always want to make plans for me. I need to get over it. I want to be part of Tpro's plan.
Where do I want to be in five years?
I want to be free.
I want enough money to make money be a non-factor in my decisions.
I want enough future that my kids will be able to purchase a wing at their university of choice.
Where do I not want to be? Where I am now. If I'm still at the same company I'll be very disappointed. I want to be far beyond where I am now. I need to advance. I cannot allow myself to stagnate.
And, then, there is education. Every time I think I am ahead of my anger, it sneaks back up on me. I wanted to put off school until I get a handle on it. I think now that it is part of me. A part that I must accept and learn to predict and manipulate.

I want a Terminator. I'm not sure which model I should get. I'm sure my credit will cover it. The second movie introduced a new model made of this malleable mettle that can take the shape of others (or me). I could send the Terminator to work to take meetings and give me the synopsis. This might come in handy. The third Terminator had this same ability, but lacked the true fall-through-a-grating functionality. The third Terminator was big on weapons and blowing shit up, but my current life just doesn't need that. The first Terminator has it's points too. It is like an old pickup truck that won't die.

Terminator 1 scenario.
“Fly me to work.” I'd say.
“We need a helicopter.” the Terminator says.
“Find me a helicopter.” I demand.
“By your command.” answers the Terminator. Hey, isn't that a Silon's line I think to myself. Ah, well.
“Go get me lunch.” I'd say.
“Yes sir.” says the Terminator, and off he'd buzz in my brand new helicopter.
Later I'd ask him to take a meeting along side me and just sit there looking tough so no one would assign me any tasks. You never know when I'll have the Terminator drop off the report. =]

Terminator 2 scenario.
I'd say “Look like me and sound like me and go to work and do what they tell you and bring me the money.”
“Yes sir” the Terminator says with a smile. Oh, did I mention when the Terminator is home I'd have it look like J. Lo.

Terminator 3 scenario.
“Blow that up.” - KABOOOOM!! - “t-hehehehe!” (me giggling)
“Blow that up.” - KABOOOOM!! - “t-hehehehe!” (me giggling again)
You get the idea.


Florida Adventure 1
Job moving
We were living in a hotel just off the beach. It had a mall in the bottom floor. There were these two guys who had a store in the mall who sponsored a “Party on the Plaza” type gig on the back tarries of the hotel every week.
I was walking across the plaza and a guy (not one of the two in question) asks “want to make some money?”
Well, I shoot him a look to kill and he comes back
“Helping some guys move?” he corrects quickly.
“Sure” I say. “How much?”
Well it was $35 bucks to help carry some furniture and some boxes to a truck. It was just a couple of hours work. It was a piece of cake. The guys were nice. They had one guy I noticed hanging around the hotel before. He gave me the creeps.
They all wanted to go drink some beers and buy my dinner. I declined saying “I have to go cook dinner for my friends.”
They paid me and said “I'm disappointed.”
A fact that I found out later made me very happy that I declined. Sabina told me after the fact that she was sorry to see those two guys go. She added “Those guys were really nice for a couple of fags.”
The creepy guy passed by me in the hall after that and smiled saying “missed you at the party, you should have come.”
I hate Hollywood Florida.

Florida Adventure 2
Guy on the bicycle
I was sitting outside the apartment in the late summer. We were making dinner. A guy road by on a bicycle and offered me a job painting his driveway. They do that sort of thing in Florida. I agreed. The guy struck me as kind of queer, as in homosexual. I ended up helping him clean up behind his property and painting his driveway. By the end of it (a day and a half of labor) I was so disgusted that I wouldn't take his money for chores.
it was this little adventure that made me want to get out. I think my friend and Brian breaking ties was just the last straw.
i hate Hollywood Florida.

Florida Adventure 3
Cars under the bridge
Brian had heard through this guy named, ironically, Kelly that there was an impromptu meeting of a bunch of teenagers under a bridge somewhere to drink and carouse. We met some other fast car enthusiasts. The whole night was fun. We spent this night somewhere in north Miami.

Florida Adventure 4
Sabine is a German woman who worked in the mall on the first floor of the hotel we staid in. She worked at a shop. The funny thing is, I don't remember what they sold. Tourist junk I think. We made friends and hung out a bit. She had a German accent and was a bit mysterious.
We hung out at her place a couple of times before I left Florida. It was fun. I never did sleep with her. While I was sitting in the bus station waiting for the bus to take me home Sabina walked by and came in to say goodbye. Why didn't I kiss her?
I called her after I got back home and Brian answered the phone. It turns out he left my friend and hooked up with Sabine. I spoke with her later and she felt bad about the whole thing. Brian was good at using women. Brian came back to Texas before my friend did.
I think I would like Germany

Florida Adventure 5
Yahoo Beer
We met these guys who were locals. I don't remember any of their names except one. Kelly. he was laid back and long haired. Some of his buddies came over and we went down to the lobby of the hotel to walk them in. We were walking through the lobby with about three cases of beer and a cop turned around and gave us a quadruple take. not one of us even reacted in the tiniest bit. We just kept walking right past the guard and up to our room. We found out later one of the guys had just “yahooed” the beer AKA ripped it off from a quickie shop. He had grabbed two cases near the door and shuffled them under his arms. When he grabbed the second two on of them broke and a bunch of beers spilled all over the floor. The clerk screamed at him. He just stood there for a second and flipped off the clerk. Then took the three cases and walked out the door. It might have been his buddy who actually jacked the beer.
I drank some stolen beer in Hollywood Florida.

I've never told another human any of this. So, what is the deal? I can tell the world, but no one close to me.


In the summer of 1993 I was lost. I haven't found myself yet. I've been married and I've fallen in love, though not with the same woman. I was going to school in Missouri City Texas at Houston Community College. I was taking core classes and making “B”s. I walked to school and home again. I spent time talking with the smokers outside the main door to the building where classes were held. They have since moved the smoking area somewhere farther away from the walk way.
In that summer I hung out with an old friend of mine. I had known her for years. She started dating a guy named Brian. He was in to old cars, and using women. I suppose that is judgmental, but I feel it is the truth. They had meat when they were much younger and chased each other around the yard. I remember my friend smiled when she told that story. I don't know what she saw in Brian. He just seemed like a train wreck to me. I hung out with them because there was just nothing else going on in my life and I so wanted to hook up with my friend. I still have feelings for her. I suppose I always will.
I helped Brian on the 1973 Transam that he was rebuilding. The vehicle I remember most is the 1971 Chevrolet pickup that he let me drive in an unfinished subdivision one Tuesday afternoon. I remember putting in the transmission to the Transam. It was a turbo 400 three speed. That is where I learned that there are several different kinds of torque converters. There are lockup torque converters that stop slipping at a given RPM. There are “tight” torque converters that don't slip as easily for sports cars. There are “loose” torque converters for other cars and there are stall torque converters that are in neutral until a given RPM. There are combinations of each.
One evening I ride my bike over to Brian's place and find out that he and my friend are headed to Florida. They site the same reason's I want to hear. “We need to get away from our parents.” I felt the same way. I remember telling my parents. My father understood and was supportive. My mom, being my mom, freaked, but relented.
We drove the T-Bird to Florida, the whole way out running a huge rain storm. It turned out to be the bands of a Hurricane that was hitting the place we were headed. We missed it.
We drive in to Hollywood Florida late and slept in the car. We had been sleeping in the car for a couple of days anyway so it wasn't a big deal. Brian drove around until we found a place to crash. The first night we spent in a small hotel off the beach. For a Month we stayed at a hotel on the beach. We rented an apartment, but only stayed there for a couple of weeks. Brian wanted to ditch my friend. He asked me to take care of her. I decided to come back home to try to make him stay with her. He didn't. She ended up staying with some looser for a couple of weeks and then came home herself. What could I have done different? Not gone in the first place I suppose.
All in all, I count it as a learning experience. I learned I don't like being broke. I learned to stay away from Hollywood Florida. I learned one cruel part of the world that stays inside me now.
Before we left for Florida, I was in limbo. I didn't have a job. I lived on Social Security Supplemental Income. I was going to school, but that was just to do something. It seemed like what I was supposed to do. I meat many good people there including for some strange reason several topless dancers. Apparently dancers go to HCC in pretty high numbers. I meat a Play Boy bunny at University of Houston. We were both filling out change of address forms.
The whole ride to Florida in the Transam Brian and my friend were in the car, but I felt a presents. The feeling was the strongest just as I woke up. I know now it was the angle taking care of me. Nothing bad actually happened to me while I was in Florida. I brushed close enough to the edge to learn the lesson.
When I got back, I slipped quickly back into the routine of oblivion. Eventually my friend came back. I never did get with her. She was vulnerable and I felt crappy just wanting her.
I'm not sure how to close this entry. The truth is my life just kept going. Now I'm here. Tell me about your adventures in life.


Spam and Spyware and the Gun lobby
There is a story here about a Nigerian man who has been busted for sending unsolicited emails and scamming people for butt-loads of money. I'm not sure what the details are, but it sounds like he might actually get some time for his crimes. It would be nice if there were some justice in this area for once.
I deal with spam in a couple of different ways. I only give my primary email to people, never to places, stores or banks. That is how your email ends up on every one's list. I use a temporary hotmail address zhsp00001 at hotmail dot com. That email will change in a couple of months. As soon as I start getting spam on a daily basis. When I need to register on some one-off site I'll go to an online email place and register for an email address just for the one transaction. I usually use hotmail just because they rotate their mails about every sixty days. I know I'm not eating up large quantities of drive space.
Never respond to spam. Logging a complaint or taking your mail off the list just confirms there is a human on the other end. The spammers get more money for your address if you have gone through the trouble of opting-out. Trying to rely on spam blockers doesn't seem to make a bit of difference to in my experience. The spammers spend their entire day figuring out ways to bypass spam blockers. That is what they do, that is all they do.
Governments are trying to make things illegal. That is great, except the worse kind of spam is that from people who wish to rip you off. In most places, ripping people off is already illegal. It is a bit like the gun lobby always says. “enforce the laws that are already on the books.” Remember Columbine High? Some one figured out those kids had directly broken nineteen federal laws. “Do you think the twentieth would have stopped them?” some one at the NRA asked. I've left the subject in the dust.
There is a product called SpyBot. Get it. Use it. It helps with Spyware, not spam, but it is worth getting while I'm on the subject.

Want - Get
Did you ever want something or to say something to the right person or to tell some one something and you knew who to talk too about it but all kinds of politics got in the way and you just can't talk about it because you will make one person angry and probably make another person scared or frustrated and people just make it worse because they tell you to go for it and you know you can't because of the people involved and the friendships that might be stretched?
I do.


Pipe fittings vs. Folder Rights
I do a technical job on computers at my day job. We have allot of amazing brilliant people there who can't figure out folder privileges to save their sole. I understand when some one who makes five times what I do can't give me privileges on a file share because they have had no (as in zero) training by the company to do so. It pisses me off when they (the one making five times what I do) refuse to call the service desk and ask for help. That company pays $200 a month per user for that service desk whether or not they use it. I do not have the rights to give myself rights. I feel like they think it is my fault. I feel like they expect me to do it. Frustrating.

I came home this evening and and basically went straight to sleep. I hate it when I do this. I'm up half the night and I don't get all the stuff done that I need.
I'm trying the Claritin stuff again. Maybe if I give it a week or two I'll notice a better difference.
I dropped off a CD with a friend of mine this afternoon and looked at her wedding pictures. Her Little one is just about to start walking on her own.


I went to a Halloween Party Friday evening. It turned out to be allot of fun. I took a bunch of pictures. I'm actually in one of them this time. I like costume parties. I drank too much. I was told I looked sexy. I kissed a pretty girl. Did I say I drank too much? I didn't really dress up. I called myself paparazzi. I thought that would be best since they had a standby costume that just wasn't me. They had a sock and a guitar for you to ware and called it a Flea (basest from the Red Hot Chilly Peppers) costume. You have got to see the pictures. Cruella Devil was there. The Grand Wizard made an appearance. ManDrew - The Thrifty Super Hero showed up (he was warring a towel with a big M on it drawn in duct tape). Little Red Riding Hood and her date, Mr. Big Bad himself made it. We had some Martigraw women there. One of the guys wore a suit from the seventies that was in his closet since the seventies. Adam and Laury came as a Samurai and a Geisha. I thought Adam should have been the Geisha.
It seemed like every one I've met from TMS was there. Many people brought their kids. I remember showing up to drunken parties as a kid with my parents. Those are fun memories.
The hangover kept me down all day Saturday. My father wanted to go out on the boat today. I knew last week that I wouldn't be up to it.
I would like to thank Josh for dragging me out and making me have a good time on past occasions. Neither he nor any of the Tpro group were at this party. It is the experiences with them that have helped me have a good time in social situations. Thanks guys.